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Famous last words: Never say Never

All of last year I have been working as a nurse assistant at Vanderbilt hospital. I had my life mapped out. I would study to become a nurse and I would never have to waitress again. The words that actually came out of my mouth when I left the restaurant I had worked at for years were “I will never waitress again.” I had to eat my words and suck down some humble pie. What I learned this last year is serving is not the worst job in the world. Being a nurse’s assistant gave me an  open mind and the hope that everything will work out if I trust the process. And never say never.

It is funny that  when I think I know everything because God comes back and says‚ “uh‚ Crystal you still have a few things to learn sweetheart. I am going to need you to shut it up and then shut it down.” When I left my old restaurant I was madder then hell. I felt they didn’t treat me right and that the general public was hard to deal with. I got a rude awakening when I became a nurse assistant. It was so hard on me in multiple ways. The first thing it did was humble me because taking care of the sick in a hospital setting can be emotionally straining. I had to take care of ten patients which half of them were people who could hardly walk or not walk at all. I had to clean them up after they went to the bathroom‚ bathe them‚ take their vital signs‚ take their blood‚ and watch and monitor them. The days were long and usually back to back. I would get up before the sun rised and I would stagger home after it had set. Everything about working in the hospital felt like swimming up stream from the long walk to and from the car to the endless lectures from all the other hospital staff.  I don’t think I realized the toll it was taking on me because it took from me so slowly. My pride was the last thing to break though. All the way to the bitter end I hung on to the idea that I would never waitress again. I cleaned up after people‚ chased psych patients down the hall and even prepared a woman who had just passed to be taken to the morgue. All the other systems in my soul who had shut down but my pride kept me staggering forward miserable and alone. To me‚ returning to waitressing was announcing to the world that I had failed. I had turned on my rockets for lift off and exploded before I ever got out of orbit.

At first I focused all of my attention on getting off of the floor I was working on. I littered the hospital with my electronic resume. I even applied to be a hospital bus driver! Nothing came back and I sank further into self pity. I did the “whoa as me” act for a few weeks but the funny thing about wiping butts is it will motivate you to keep moving. So I expanded my reach‚ I became willing to seek other opportunities. I looked at becoming a nanny or a full time baby sitter. I spent an entire evening filling out an application to be a baby sitter who worked off of an app. It was only after my husband came home and pointed out to me how bad someone’s kids must be if the parents have to use an app to find a random stranger to watch them. Again‚ I expanded my search but still adamantly refused to not waitress. As the weeks went on the hospital got worse. My patient load went from 3 total care patients to five total care patients. A few girls quit and they were never replaced. I had patients who had severe mental issues but couldn’t get placed so I had to deal with them day after day. I went on interviews and was denied. After a long talk with my husband I became willing to look at my interview skills and I read books on it. This process was so painful for me living in it but now I realize that the pain had a higher purpose. The only thing that was going to break my pride was the pain. After what felt like the worst two weeks working ever; I finally became willing to work in a restaurant again.

So my heart had changed and the pride had been burned out of me through hard living. I had uttered the words that I would be willing to return to restaurant work. My husband and I had just completed a hike at the Warner Woods trail (look for a future post about it) and on the way back we drove by a restaurant that had a hiring sign up. My husband immediately responded that I should apply‚ today. I gave the usual wife response of “not today‚ I’m tired” and he encouraged me to go home‚ change and apply. Every part of me wanted to dig my heels in‚ shut the door and get my stubborn on but I didn’t have the fuel for it. Pride fuels my stubbornness and I was all out of it. So I took the suggestion. I walked in and a nice man greeted me. He told me to sit down and fill out an application. He then came over and immediately gave me an interview on the spot. I was nervous but I remembered that I had sixteen years of restaurant experience. After he questioned me for twenty minutes he offered me a job. He was also willing to work with my schedule with my hospital job because I had not quit yet. I couldn’t believe how easy and seamless it was that I walked in and twenty minutes had a new place of work.

It was hard eating my words “I will never do this again.” My ego kept telling me I was a failure and I was moving backwards in life. Now I know that isn’t the truth. Having worked at Sam’s the last couple months I have been happier‚ have more energy‚ I am disciplined in writing everyday‚ and my family said I am back to my old self again. I even got a 100 dollar tip from a couple that was kind. I was not getting a tip at the hospital for spending an hour giving a person a shower. When I was willing to be open-minded‚ trust God’s process and not be stubborn‚ not kick my feet in the dirt‚ and be willing to go back to something I am good at‚ life became brighter and easier. Never say never is no longer in my vocabulary anymore. I have learned the hard way that I do not know it all. Life is easier when I let go.